“You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out and face them tomorrow and the LORD will be with you.”
2 Chronicles 20:17
After about two months in the battle, we ALL became tired. Cancer is a family disease that disrupts the entire household, making each day a little harder on everyone. I was becoming weaker with each treatment, we all were. We were all fighting, individually and as a family. I thank the Lord that for once, I did not try and fight it for them. For me to get better, I had to let go.
My third treatment was by far the most difficult. The cumulative effect of chemotherapy had taken a toll on my body. And emotionally I was exhausted. Two days after the treatment, while at my parents house, I had a life changing moment. One that I did not tell a soul about until six months later. And now I will share it with you.
I had barely been up that day. I stayed in the bed, under the covers, sedated because the pain was almost more than I could bear. My bones hurt, my insides hurt and my heart hurt. I had just gone to the bathroom and back and it felt like I had run the Race for the Cure (twice!). I remember getting back in bed, when I saw my bible there beside me. I knew at that point, I was hurting to bad to read, but I opened it and laid it across my chest. Still, with a little wit, I thought, “well, if I can’t read it maybe the word will get in me this way.” Suddenly, I began to be in so much pain that I started crying out to the Lord, yet in my weak state, it was only a whisper. And this is what I said to Him.
“Lord, this must..be..what..it..feels.. like..to..be..dying.”
I surrender, Lord. I will be with you, but please help them.
Here, I give you, Jeff, Abby, Luke, my family(I began naming them)……
and the next thing I know….I wake up. Bible still on my chest like I haven’t moved. My eyes are open and I am looking around. Hmmm, I am still here. No pearly gates. But the same cozy room I went to sleep in. It was a few hours later. I still felt pretty bad yet my Spirit had risen up above the battle fatigue! From that day on, from that surrender, the Lord showed me that I was never really in control of all my family anyway. I had to let go and look to Him to care for me and to care for them. Huge lesson. He is God, I am not. “For it is by grace you have been save, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:8 On that same day, I called Jeff and told him I was ready to come home a day early this treatment.
The Holy Spirit, which dwells within all of us as believers, had just raised the stakes and I had completely turned the battle over to Him (I just thought I had before). If I was going to recover, it would be all Him. If my marriage was restored, it would be all Him. If He took me home to Heaven, it would be all Him. If I was able to minister to other women going through this same thing, it would be all Him. This is deliverance. Surrender. Victory. For His Glory, not mine. And He has been faithful to answer prayers in His way, for my best interest, according to His word. So I praise Him for the victory over what I call battle fatigue! When you think you just can’t do it…HE CAN and HE WILL! Thank you, Jesus, my Savior and Lord!
You know, tonight I was thinking tonight, pictures don’t always tell the story. When I picked this family snapshot, I knew the real story behind it. We all were smiling, I guess it would look funny to have a picture with sad or discouraged faces? I am so glad we were smiling, but I am also glad that we were able to cry and write like Abby did and talk and express that we were tired and weary. That life is not always what it appears in a picture.
People may not know your hurts, but God does and He is the only one that matters anyway. What about you? Is God asking you to surrender yourself completely?
“Remember those earlier days after you had received the light when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering.” Hebrews 10:32